She's Pregnant, He's Clueless
Pregnancy Magazine
May 2007
17 clues to keep him out of trouble
Some guys are just oblivious to the pregnancy thing. The minute two little lines appear on the pee stick, they’re clueless. Apparently, this confusion starts before they’re zygotes and can’t be helped. “This is a biological thing.” Dave Barry explains in Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn. “It is a well-documented fact that guys won’t ask for directions. This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction, totally confident it knows where it is going, to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”
Here’s a road map to the biggest pitfalls of pregnancy. Guys, we’re here to help you get a clue.
CLUE 1 : Be extremely careful when your wife says, “I’m pregnant.”
Jeff Kimes, coauthor of Pregnancy Sucks for Men, says, “The next words that spew from your mouth will be some of the most important words you will ever say. They’ll be rehashed at family get-togethers and repeated to her girlfriends. They must reflect how ecstatic you are and how much you love your wife. Any response like ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’ is strictly forbidden.” Don’t even joke about this. Women want a Hallmark Commercial Kodak Moment. She wants violin music and for you to squirt a tear.
CLUE 2 : Don’t say “We’re pregnant.”
It points a big, fat arrow to the balloon over your head that says “ignorant jerk.” She’s pregnant, dumbo. Not you. Do, however, say “our baby” – not “your baby.”
CLUE 3 : Pregnancy causes mood swings.
Sorry, you really can’t avoid this trap. If the mood is swinging, you’re gonna get hit. Kimes explains, “Mood swings are like PMS to the nth degree. On any given day she’s sad, happy, scared, cranky – all her emotions are supersized.” Kimes says his wife’s moods swung so hard, the pendulum got permanently locked in the “bitch” position. Bigger clue: If this happens to you, don’t say “bitch” out loud. This will come back and bite you hard in the ass. Kimes advises, “Don’t take them personally and don’t pick fights. If a fight starts, for heaven’s sake, let her win! But don’t ever suggest she’s mad just because she has mood swings.
CLUE 4 : Your wife has morning sickness because she’s growing a brain in her stomach.
Pregnancy whips up tons of pesky symptoms. Different women get different ones on different days, and there’s no rhyme or reason for this. But the holy trinity of trouble is morning sickness, constipation and gas. She also has the olfactory powers of Superdog and can smell the contents of a lunchbox across the street. It’s gross, so your wife wretches regularly and loudly in front of you.
CLUE 5 : Don’t complain that her hurling wakes you up or she’ll aim it at you.
There’s nothing much you can do to decrease her nausea except try not to smell like anything. Just wait it out and you’ll get your toilet back sometime after the third month.
CLUE 6: Even if she doesn’t actually barf, she still feels lousy and deserves lots of attention.
“My husband needed blatant physical symptoms – hurling in the bathroom or fainting on the sidewalk – or he just didn’t notice,” says Kate Hodson of San Francisco. “My nausea wasn’t extreme – just a low-grade hideousness that lasted until lunchtime. But every morning, in response to my shuffling around with my head sunk between my shoulders, he would ask, ‘What’s wrong?’ And every morning I would remind him (with increasing irritation) that I was pregnant (you moron).”
CLUE 7 : Pregnancy is the burp and fart Olympics, and your wife will come home with a medal.
Her digestive system slows way down to allow every speck of nutrition to be absorbed for the brain in her stomach. She’ll get really constipated and gassy. This is miserable business and “her number one goal will be going number two,” explains Kimes. Bigger clue: Don’t, for any price, ever mention your wife’s gaseous nature. Just keep your big mouth shut and act like you’re the guilty stinker.
CLUE 8 : She’s not that into sex.
Here’s the rumor: After your wife survives the early months she’ll be horny as the devil, with hormonally enhanced girl parts now capable of the greatest sex of her (and hopefully your) life. Peter Chianca, humor columnist for Herald Media in Boston, thinks this is pure urban myth. “A guy who’s read nothing else about pregnancy reads the chapter about the Great Second Trimester Sex Drive.” Yeah, that’s not happening. I don’t know any guy who’s gotten enough to keep that myth alive.”
CLUE 9 : Don’t you dare touch the boobs without a very explicit, engraved invitation.
Yes, they’re bigger, more sensitive and more enticing than ever before. This is Mother Nature’s funny joke because they’re no longer your playthings, dude. They’re now milk-making machines, and it hurts like hell to kick the factories into gear. And another thing: When you sit at the obstetrician’s office surrounded by more big boobs – don’t stare.
CLUE 10 : Ultrasounds are cool because it’s TV where you find out if it’s a boy or girl.
Warning: Whatever you say at this moment could become ammunition. Don’t say the baby looks like Darth Maul. Even if it’s your fifth son – just say the right thing. Like: “Another boy is perfect, my darling, for you shall be our queen.” Bigger clue: It’s very exciting when your baby kicks because its proof positive that something’s growing in there besides the flu.
Soon, your wife will ask you this one vital question: Do you want to feel the baby kick? The answer is YES every single time. Failure to feel the kick will be interpreted as don’t-give-a-damn, with you accumulating jerk points.
CLUE 11 : The childbirth education class is where you learn to coach your wife’s labor by reminding her to breathe.
This is a perfect arena for showing off what a supportive husband and all-around good guy you are. Breathing is the first thing your wife ever learned, so you may wonder why she needs coaching. The answer is: because she just does. Childbirth hurts and if she plans on managing the pain with breathing and panting, just go with it.
CLUE 12 : Stay awake.
Tamara Pullman was pregnant when her husband, actor Bill Pullman, was filming Sommersby. After a 12-hour day on set, Bill lay on the floor while their Lamaze teacher taught deep relaxation. Tamara was impressed by his steady breathing until he started snoring. That baby is 13 now. Believe me, guys, they remember this stuff.
CLUE 13 : Don’t embarrass your wife.
Dr. Nancy Grant, an obstetrician in Portland, Ore., has a hefty collection of clueless dad stories: “My patient’s teacher informed the guys they may have sympathetic pregnancy symptoms. The husband asked, ‘Is that why my breasts are tender?’ ” What a boob.
Congratulations! You’ve finally made it to the big day. Your wife’s in labor. Proceed cautiously: There are so many ways to screw up here. Bigger clue: When your wife tells you to drive her to the hospital, just do it!
CLUE 14 : Labor starts when she says so.
Kevin Foster took a phone call while his wife, Laura, squatted in their labor suite, moaning in pain and 7 centimeters dilated. “Nope, nothing’s happening yet,” he said. “No labor here.” He’s not really a jerk. Foster swears he thought labor started at 8 centimeters.
CLUE 15 : Be ready by due date.
Hodson remembers, “I had a date pretty firmly marked when I’d go into labor, experience a quantity of pain for a quantity of time and emerge (punching the air and demanding champagne) with my very own baby. My husband, however,couldn’t grasp that it’s not some random, arbitrary date. When labor started he was utterly unprepared (in a grumpy, turn-the-light-off-and-stop-messingaround kind of a way). He sat on the floor in disreputable underwear, vainly trying to use a faulty bicycle pump to inflate the birthing ball I’d reminded him about daily for weeks.”
CLUE 16 : Don’t hog the TV in your birthing suite.
Your wife is running the show. She can watch Oprah during labor if she wants. Even if the playoffs are on.
CLUE 17 : No whining when your wife’s in labor.
No matter what boo-boos you’ve got, your wife’s contractions trump you. Jerome Thompson did a header on their porch stairs the day before his wife went into labor and, even with a face full of stitches and double black eyes, he had the good sense to speak not a word.
By this time, any guy who isn’t a blubbering idiot or utterly speechless has gotten the biggest clue: Your wife’s amazing and you’re eternally grateful you didn’t have to do any of that yourself. Now all you need is a big heads-up on the whole parenting thing.