Driving in Cars with Kids
Better Homes and Gardens
October 2002
Parenting may be a 24-hour-a-day vocation, but it really happens in brief interactions here and snippets of conversation there. Mostly in the van or SUV, it seems.
Between home, school, soccer practice, music lessons, and their many social engagements, it's not uncommon for children to spend seven hours each week being driven around town by dutiful parents. By comparison, many families spend less than half that amount of time around the dinner table.
Americans, especially mothers, are spending more time than ever in their cars. The average mom spends more than one hour driving each day, traveling about 30 miles, and taking more than five trips out of the driveway, according to the Federal Highway Administration. Married women with school-age children spend 66 minutes a day driving--that's almost 17 days a year trapped behind the wheel.
CARS ARE FAMILIAR HAVENS
Seven-days-a-week chauffeur duty may not be that appealing for most parents, but that time behind the wheel is a rare opportunity. The car provides a safe, intimate environment where kids are comfortable and tend to open up--a place where they know they have your undivided attention. If you listen well, you'll be amazed what your passengers are saying.
"There is a lot less formality and restriction in the car," says Redmond Reams, Ph.D., a child psychologist in Portland, Oregon. He calls car talk "an unstructured kind of in-between time." In this comfortable environment, kids may unexpectedly share some innermost thoughts.
William Pollack, Ph.D., author of the book Real Boys' Voices (2001), tells the story of a mom who drove her son to hockey practice for the first time (her husband usually made the early morning trip). Along the way, her son started talking about his teammates, and the conversation gradually turned into a discussion about marijuana. "Something about the car," the mother mused, "the darkness outside, the coziness inside." Whatever the reason, the boy opened up to her as never before.
"If we simply ask a boy in a non-active setting how he is feeling," notes Pollack, "his answer may be a disappointing `OK' or `great.' But take him out in the car for a quick drive or errand, often you will find that he is far more comfortable talking to you."
SOMEWHERE OUT NEAR ALBUQUERQUE
Longer car trips provide valuable one-on-one time with kids who, at home, always seem to be walking out the door. Ava Lopez, a stepmother of two teenagers in Minneapolis, used to dread cross-country car trips, but now actually looks forward to them. "I think sitting in that defined space with no distractions listening to their favorite music, they sort of see me in a different light," she says.
Once, while driving back home from a family car trip out West, her teenage stepdaughter, Alexis, hinted that a close girlfriend was having
trouble with a new boyfriend. Alexis hesitated to speak too freely because her dad was in the backseat. "My husband was dosing, but I caught his eye in the rearview mirror," Ava says. "I said his name and he pretended to be asleep because he knew she was about to really open up. We had a great talk."
TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE
Nothing's better for getting the scoop on adolescents than driving the after-school carpool. Stay quiet, and you can learn who's dating whom, who uses what online nickname, and which kids dye their hair.
"You'll get all this information that you can't get at home," says Michael Riera, Ph.D., author of Right from Wrong (2002) and a family and adolescent correspondent for CBS television's The Early Show. He tells parents who spend hours chauffeuring teenagers to drive slowly and to take the scenic route when time permits.
This is all fine and good until you overhear something alarming that you just can't ignore. How do you bring it up later if you supposedly shouldn't have heard it in the first place? But it's not exactly eavesdropping, says Riera, and often your children want you to ask more questions about what you've overhead. That may be why you were allowed to be within earshot in the first place.
"Kids are good at giving you little bits of information--but not quite enough," he says. "When they give you enough, they really want you to act." After dropping off others from the carpool, it's time to talk. Just asking about the overheard conversation sends a big message: "I'm willing to hear and I'm here to help you."
The key is to address the concern with your child or teenager without acting like you are cross-examining them. Riera suggests starting cautiously with, "This might be uncomfortable to talk about, but I have to ask. You guys were talking about Sasha and it sounds like she may be anorexic. Is there really something going on with her? Are you really worried?"
You don't want to rush the conversation, but your son or daughter might just be waiting for you to ask about what you heard during the carpool ride. They know you were listening. Expect straight, frank talk, and your child will probably comply. "You're going to have a wonderful conversation," Riera says.
RULES OF THE ROAD
TIPS FOR MAKING CAR CONVERSATIONS
• Turn off your cell phone and make the car a cell-free zone for kids too. Make this a time to talk to each other.
• Get activity times and dates while they're still fresh in your kids minds. Pass around your day planner or Palm Pilot, and have the kids write in their after-school commitments for the upcoming weeks.
• Unplug personal electronics. Save CD players, Gameboys, and flip-down TVs for longer trips
• Tune in their music on the car radio. Who knows? Maybe you'll enjoy Moby.
• While you drive, point out things that interest you along the way. Asking about the boy with the purple Mohawk on the street corner might be just the starter your child needs to tell you something.
• Grab any chances to drive alone with a child, especially during really hectic weeks.
• Be a good listener. Ask about your child's day, but don't direct the flow with lots of questions.
COPYRIGHT 2002 Meredith Corporation
COPYRIGHT 2002 Gale Group